**Edit: I started writing this around 2am this morning when I woke up in panic and couldn't get back to sleep. As soon as I finished writing I fell back asleep til 7am-ish and actually had one of the better rests i've had in a while. I'm realizing how much writing is helping me right now, especially when alone and feeling those urges to drink due to such massive amounts of stress on my mind/body.
If you are also someone who is really struggling in these ways right now I hope this serves as a reminder to use creative expression (in any healthy way that works for you) whenever you too are feeling alone, defeated, overwhelmed, scared and trying NOT to numb yourself out with harmful substances to survive it. I love you. I so, so get it.
Love,
an Expressive Arts therapist who is remembering why she fought so hard to stay in her profession all these years.**
It's 2 a.m as I start this.
Once again, as I shared not even 24 full hours ago in the last entry, I did this "new" (becoming not so new) pattern of falling asleep the moment my head hit a pillow. In this case it was around 6/6:30pm when I was sitting down to rewatch the first episode of New Girl with my new temporary, very sweet roommate.
Next thing I know i'm waking up alone seven hours later on the couch in a living room that I didn't recognize at first (because i'm still very new in this house.) I felt really disoriented and struggled to get my bearings for a good couple minutes. I started to panic wondering where I was and how I got there. Finally it hit me that I was safe in the Swannanoa home and had fallen asleep so suddenly and so deeply that I had no idea I had even been asleep that long.
During heavy addiction days (which started honestly when I went to college and lasted for many years to follow) I used to wake up like that in many random places (houses, restaurants, cars, parties alleyways etc) with no memory of getting myself there and sometimes i'd wake up surrounded around people I had never met before. I mean it when I say i've had God and some guardian angels looking out for me for a VERY long time. It's good for me to remember these times, even though it absolutely frightens me, to remember how far i've come and why it's so important for me to stay on this path.
So, here I am. Writing again way earlier than I thought I would after releasing a pretty personal first entry yesterday morning. Writing is helping me regulate back to a more calm baseline. I am grateful to have working fingers right now (sometimes they are so shaky I can't type- hence all the voice messages you may get from me if we communicate.)
I aways get this sinking, vulnerable feeling after releasing such personal information publicly, like I did yesterday. I have so much respect for writers and authors and people who share their soul for a living through text. Word-ing is difficult some days yet also flows like a gentle river other days. I think we're all grateful when the river runs a bit more gentle these days.
Everything feels scary right now. I'm just going to admit it- i'm scared. I believe that it's possible to be both scared and hopeful/resilient at the same time even though we often are made to believe you can only be one or another at a time. I'm choosing to pay attention to both everyday because both feel important to pay attention to right now, atleast for me.
When I was in treatment/rehab (whatever language makes sense for you- I was in a thirty day residential program where I lived on site in a really special place getting clean) they had us do daily writing and processing exercises (which is probably why i'm feeling so called to write so much these days.)
I'm also really feeling called in this moment to start going back to AA as close to everyday as I can. We had AA or Dharma Recovery meetings every day during our 30 day stay and it was not easy at all and sometimes so frustrating but I get it now and I know that's why i'm craving it right now. That is actually a good example of the power of replacing one addiction for another, healthier addiction. It's hard to fully escape the energetic of being an "addict" as a human in this westernized society. We're programmed to want and be codependent on things outside of ourselves satisfying our needs.
One of the assignments I did while at this thirty-day treatment/detox refuge that sticks with me SO much these days is one where we were asked to name the three biggest core fears we carry with us that could lead to relapse. I don't have the paper in front of me but what I remember writing was something like:
Something painful or traumatic unexpectedly happening to my parents pre-maturely.
Being left in this world (as an only child) with absolutely no family left of my own blood before knowing how to truly take care of myself (keep in mind I was only maybe a week clean at this point probably.)
Being kidnapped or stranded somewhere dangerous by myself and living through it and having to deal with the PTSD sober.
I'm not trying to get all doomsday on yall- but my body is experiencing these three realities a lot right now and has been for a few months. It's a God thing for sure that I haven't relapsed. But my nervous system being so frail is causing the cravings to come back because I just want the intense vibrations around me to stop. The quietness of the house this early in the morning (2:30am now) is actually feeling more peaceful and safe as I write this.
I'm hyper aware (since i'm a clinically trained Mental Health Therapist with a lot of first hand professional crisis work experience, personal crisis experience and professional trainings in the realm of crisis training, natural wellness and survival, trauma and somatics- that my nervous system is vibrating on such a overwhelmed and on-guard frequency right now. It truly feels like my life has become a battlefield and the hidden landmines keep going off unexpectedly all around me and somehow I haven't been fully hit yet to completely wipe me out, but it's felt damn close.
I'm becoming more aware that i'm actually showing symptoms more frequently of textbook PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder.) I have been diagnosed with this already on a more minimal level by my doctor years ago after some really scary situations that I have yet to share publicly on any socials (and it may be too heavy to ever do that honestly.) Yet this is a whole new realm of symptoms. Even just waking up alone on a couch thinking I was somewhere I shouldn't be (while being completely safe and where I am supposed to be) was a huge PTSD trigger a little bit ago.
Over the years i've also been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, sensory processing disorder, depressive disorder, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (which is actually very common for a lot of female/uterus carriers because it relates to very common, yet often still overwhelming, hormone imbalance around our menstrual cycles.) I also have textbook symptoms of adult ADHD but i'm also noticing in myself (ironically the more I don't drink) symptoms of OCD showing up, especially when it comes to anything related to my art/business. Not to mention the now very real P.A.W.S (Post-Accute Withdraw Syndrome) i'm experiencing especially being recently (almost 10mo) clean from really dangerous levels of stimulants in my body for so long. And we wonder why the sober struggle to stay sober when we're often fighting against a messy nervous syndrome way before we even have our first sip of alcohol.
I'm also hyper aware of all the layers under the surface of why I used to drink so much for so long so dangerously. It actually haunts me at times. I did my undergraduate senior thesis study back in 2012ish on creative therapies as a resource for substance abuse and addiction. I first started AA (in Boone, NC) when I was 19 after getting (thank God) my only DUI (Lord knows I came close many other times before and after getting this one.) I was absolutely fascinated (and yet still uncomfortable) learning about why drinking was so harmful for some of us humans way before I ever even thought of becoming a therapist or getting into recovery. I wasn't anywhere close or willing to wanting to fully stop drinking at this time (this was all circa ages 19-21ish) but I was atleast aware of it not always being a good thing and even if I wasn't verbally admitting it I still was aware I had a problem pretty early on because I could feel something dark slipping in but, understandably, didn't want to believe it to be true.
It's scaring me how many people I know and love right now are so detached from themselves and are so unaware of their behaviors or lack there of. I'm talking very specifically about a few extreme examples i've seen recently of people I love so much turning to that "dark side" I talked about experiencing myself while in heavy addiction in my other blog entry from 2020 (two months into getting clean the first time) through their behaviors, actions and words. If you think i'm calling you out in this I highly doubt it's you because these examples in my mind are too specific- but if you find yourself questioning whether you are one of my loved ones i'm talking about then you're probably one i'm keeping an eye on and praying for and loving so deeply from afar just for the light to return to you as well to get you out of that dark hole that's creeping up around you.
I'm having a really big download (aka a thought that doesn't feel like mine but feels really helpful like it's from a caring friend or relative maybe on the other side with me in this moment right now) and it's one I really want to share but i'm honestly scared if it could get me in trouble. I actually just stopped typing after I wrote that and did a little prayer of protection over me by simply saying, internally to myself, "I'm only accepting thoughts that go directly through God first" (and Jesus but God even more importantly.) I then I asked for protection over me in the form of "white light and Christ Consciousness." I've learned this from a lot of mentors and expanders for me who feel safe and wise and seem to really care about people being safe and okay in this world.
At this point a very sad reality that i'm facing is i'm struggling to know who to trust. This used to happen to me out of paranoia from taking too many stimulants and not ever NOT having alochol in my system and not sleeping or eating because of the high stimulant use. However, now it's happening because i'm seeing so many people I love are having mental breakdowns all around me and the shape-shifting and hijaking is just really intense right now. If you don't know what i'm talking about when I say "shape-shifting and hijaking" then I will do another post or maybe a video blog explanation of what that has meant for me from first hand experience of this happening to me and through me. It would actually really help me to know whether this is something others are curious to learn about. I'm trying to be really careful to not unintentionally but harmful information out there right now, the landmine warzone of this collective trauma response we're all cycling through is still in full effect and I think it's going to be here for a minute before the vibrations truly settle.
I'm doing the thing where i'm starting to ramble. Part of how I process and regulate is definitely verbally but also with "quiet" words (writing) like i'm doing right now. It's very stream of consicousness, which may also be why there's a lot of grammar issues ha. Typing over speaking can help sometimes, writing over typing is always better until my carpel tunnel acts up (which is scary as a visual artist who uses my writing hand to also draw with.) Speaking outloud my words is something i'm really trying to be more impeccable and concise with. It's a daily practice of patience for both myself and my nervous system. I'm SO hyper aware of how overwhelming my pace and tone and speech can be and the hardest part about that is i'm really trying and yet I know just my own vibration can overwhelm people a lot. Holding onto a lot of selflove these days.
I just stopped again to ask God if there's anything more to say right now. It's almost 3 a.m now and I haven't moved or stopped typing this whole time other than to pray. I'm being told to let this be for now, trust myself, reread it and then be prepared for more thoughts to want to be written but to take my time, there's no rush.
Not feeling rushed feels so rare and so gentle and caring right now. That's how I know that wisdom came from God and not my own brain because I keep trying to rush myself to do everything and not let anyone down (remember how i'm starting to consider OCD in my mix- i'm also a recovering people-pleaser so ya know, that's also a fun one to dive into one day.)
Thank you SO much to everyone who is reading this. It doesn't show me names like insta stories and I like that you're able to now read and stay private in observing and discerning my words for yourself. I never want people to feel scared of me or scared to be seen by me but I also know that we all need to hold strong boundaries from each other at times and that's important too and I trust that.
With so much love and grace,
D
"No Mud No Lotus" - Illustrated by Darcy Wade (me) circa 2016/2017?
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